when only three
you sat proudly on my shoulders
father and son inseparable
possibilities boundless
the tallest kid in the park
squealing delight
where I played your innocence
to the hilt
a game on the tire swing
which I quickly named
wheel of misfortune
around and around you'd spin
hysterical with laughter
unable to answer the rigged questions

a year later
your mother and I separated
covering ourselves
with that commonest of alibis
though it wasn't your fault
for better or worse
you were given no choice in the deal

afternoons in the park
became weekend visits
and despite impracticalities
all seemed well in your mind
you grew too big for my shoulders
the park faded to memory
replaced with walks to the video store
where you'd babbled incessantly
about basketball and Nintendo

but with adolescence
came a separate transformation
each visit
healthy chatter gradually diminishing into silence
soon calls from teachers - the police
years of anger - frustration
bottled up inside
changing your brain chemistry
'til I no longer recognized the person
walking through my door

and now
the wounds on your arms are healing - again
the only control over live
you feel you still have
the doctors say
a broken leg easier to mend
but how does one fix a broke mind
then all the answers still aren't in?

though we press ahead one day at a time
with missed hours at work
family therapy
school brought in to the hospital
and when you are home
antidepressants safely hidden away
except for the recommended dosage

I'd give anything to be in the park with you again
the game still played
--unnamed